The Coaches’ View

This is the sixth and final installment contributed by Coach Doug Silsbee.  The following is adapted from Presence-Based Coaching, Doug’s new book coming this Fall.

I am an introvert. I know I’m in an extroverted line of work, and I really enjoy presenting to workshops and large audiences. Still, I really have to work with myself to show up and be authentic in front of an audience. My preference is to hang out at the refreshments table and eat cookies!

My anxiety is always most intense in the half hour before going on stage. Once I’m in it, it’s fun and easy. But, I can suffer during that last thirty minutes!

A helpful way to get myself present, relaxed, and ready is to orient myself to the surroundings. I survey the audience in advance, looking for friendly faces and people I know. I look around the room, noticing the lighting, the details of the décor, where I’m positioned in the room. When I go up on stage, I don’t jump right in. I take a few seconds to survey the audience from the podium, and to see what the room looks like from there. When I begin, I begin in a deliberate way.

This orienting is fundamental a biological process. When we constrict our attention to focus primarily on something that we’re anxious about, that anxiety tends to expand and fill our awareness even more. When we orient to the larger surroundings, our attention relaxes and softens, and the biological organism that is us feels safer, more resourceful, and more ready for whatever comes next.

Practice orienting. Next time you enter a meeting, for example, deliberately scan the room, taking in every person in there, and the surroundings as well. Let yourself relax into the surroundings, feeling that you belong there. See how it changes the feeling of being there.

Or, if you’re coming into a one-on-one conversation that might be challenging, orient yourself before and during the conversation. Let your attention broaden and soften to include other things than the person and agenda that are foremost. It’s not that you’re avoiding the person; you’re simply placing the person and the conversation in a broader context, and perhaps lowering the stakes a little so that you can be more relaxed and more resourceful.

This is the fifth installment contributed by Coach Doug Silsbee.  The following is adapted from Presence-Based Coaching, Doug’s new book coming this Fall. 

When we’re locked into a particular view of an interpersonal situation, we are usually convinced we’re right. Unfortunately, the other person is equally convinced that she’s right! Someone once wisely asked, “Would you rather be right or married?” It’s a reasonable question. Yet, giving up our story sometimes kicks in every survival instinct we have.

The authors of the wonderful book, Difficult Conversations, talk about entering such a conversation from the “third story.” This requires finding a view of the situation that is neutral, accepting, and larger than either story separately. This new story transcends and includes both the individual stories. Neither person has to be made wrong, and the larger, more inclusive story provides a greater and more presence-based view.

Instead of “You said X and I say Y,” the larger view begins with “You and I seem to see this in very different ways, and both of us are convinced we’re right. Yet, we have to come to agreement and move forward. How can we work together to bridge this gap?”

Consider a disagreement that you’ve had recently with someone. What’s your view? What’s the other person’s view? And, how can a larger view describe the overall situation such that no one is made wrong, and the disagreement is framed in a larger context more likely to lead to resolution?

Now, step into that larger view. Reside firmly in it, so that it becomes your felt perspective, rather than simply an intellectual construct. Let this be your truth in the situation.

Presence often results from the instantaneous recognition that a situation is bigger than we thought. There’s always a larger interpretation; finding it frees us from the restrictions of our usual view of a situation, and often reveals new possibilities for action.

This is the fourth installment contributed by Coach Doug Silsbee.  The following is adapted from Presence-Based Coaching, Doug’s new book coming this Fall. 

A client was recently challenged on a project. My client was conflict averse, and strongly tended to keep people around, hoping that they’d turn around. He was struggling with a key management hire that wasn’t working out. His new hire was not moving fast enough on a key element of the project; frustration was building in others.

During this struggle, my client directed his attention to the value he placed both on having a high performing team, and to the significant contribution that this project stood to make. While he was uncomfortable with letting his new manager go, he recognized that the manager was never going to contribute at the level that was needed, and the entire team and project were struggling as a result. His connection to the value he placed on the team and the goals of the project placed the personnel decision into a larger context.

With this new context, my client recognized that it was time to make the change. In fact, the conversation came as a relief to the manager, who had felt a bit like a drowning man with few options. They were able to work out an equitable solution with mutual respect.

Experiment with this. Consider a current situation that’s confusing to you. For the sake of practice, don’t pick a major moral crisis or breakdown!

Simply choose a decision that you face that feels complicated. Pause and identify this situation….

 Now, remember what’s important to you in the situation. Consider what values are at stake, and what values are represented by each of the possible options in the situation. Consider how the decision that you make right now is, in fact, an opportunity to live those values. Consider how you might look back from a year out on this decision, and how you might view yourself with hindsight if you choose A, and if you choose B.

This is the third installment contributed by Coach Doug Silsbee.  The following is adapted from Presence-Based Coaching, Doug’s new book coming this Fall.

One of the best ways to become more present as a leader is to bring your attention into your body. Centering is one way to do this.

I have clients who center when entering their classroom of six-year-olds, leading meetings of people who manage nine figure budgets, and conducting difficult performance reviews. Centering is a core practice for being more present.

A simple version of centering is to observe your posture and your breath. First, re-organize the way you’re holding your body, sensing how you’re supported by gravity. Feel the floor under your feet, and the seat under your rear. Rock first self and right, then front and back, finding the place in the center that feels balanced and straight. Allow your shoulders to drop. Let your jaw relax; allow your eyes to be soft. Straighten your neck on your shoulders, and let your chest open.

Now, notice the sensation of coolness at the tip of your nose as air moves in and out. Notice your chest moving up and down. Sense your abdomen filling and relaxing with each breath. Let your attention be in your belly.

Notice your sense of yourself now. How is it different than before? In this state, how might you interact with others differently?

Experiment with this during the coming week. You can do this anywhere… in a meeting, on a train, in the car, during a conversation. Practice ten times a day, for a minute or two each time. See how your experience of your day is different.

This is the second installment contributed by Coach Doug Silsbee.  The following is adapted from Presence-Based Coaching, Doug’s new book coming this Fall.

I coached a “C” level executive once who was both brilliant and insecure. He was a razor sharp business strategist. However, when anyone questioned him, he interpreted it as lack of confidence in him, and instantly felt defensive and under-confident. This expressed itself as shortness and impatience with others, who understandably became reluctant to disagree or ask tough but important questions.

I invited him to self-observe. To write down, on a daily basis, situations in which this reaction was triggered in him. He paid attention to the nuances of his own experiences with this, becoming intimately familiar with how a rather unhelpful pattern arose. Over time, and with related practices, he became able to recognize when he was going into his habit, interrupt it, and replace it with a different behavior.

Through familiarity comes early recognition. When we are able to recognize an unhelpful habit arising, we can couple it with last week’s move (Stop!) and choose something different!

Choose some habit that you tend to do, and that makes you less effective than you’d like to be. Could be interrupting. Could be giving unsolicited advice. Could be jumping in too fast to care-take others.

Now, observe that habit on a daily basis. Don’t try to change it, or eliminate the habit. Simply become familiar with it. When does this habit show up? What triggers it? What’s the earliest, most subtle sign that the habit is starting to kick in? Where in your body does the first hint of the habit originate? Write down, daily, a brief summary of these observations.

Doug Silsbee is an affiliate coach of The Pyramid Resource Group and will be releasing his second book from Jossey-Bass in the Fall of 2008.  The following is an excerpt from Presence-Based Coaching.  We will be posting each of Doug’s “Six Moves for Leadership Presence.”

The first move for leadership  presence is “Stop!” Anytime, we can stop the incessant flow of activity and thought in our lives to recognize, in the present moment, the possibility of choice.

Even though it is intellectually obvious that we can choose, most of the time we go through our daily activities without really considering the range of choices available to us. We are, most of us, far more habitual and automatic that we would like to think. We’re pre-occupied, going down the tracks of our current activity, thinking about the future or the past.

Stopping, in mid-stream, is the first step towards re-organizing ourselves around what’s important. It’s claiming a moment to make a conscious, unhurried choice about what we want to do or say. Deceptively simple, a “Stop!” is a move into greater self-awareness and pro-activity. It’s akin to your mother telling you to count to 10 before saying anything in anger!

Our Coaches are avid readers and when we come upon a book that has special impact, we like to share it with each other and our clients.  Coach Doug Leland has all of us picking up Younger Next Year by Chris Crowley and Henry Lodge, M.D.

Doug’s book notes…

For more than 20 years I’ve had a framed poster in my office that memorializes the deceptively simple and multi-meaning Nike tag line, “Just Do It.”  For those of you with little time this morning, my message is simple:  buy the book and “just do it.”  If you have a few more moments to spare, read on and I’ll tell you why.

Chris Crowley, is a onetime New York City trial lawyer who not that long ago sported an extra  40 pounds from an eating, drinking exercise, and lifestyle regime one might suspect from such profession and place.  Now in his mid-70’s, he attacks “black diamond” trails at Aspen and Stowe, bikes through the Rockies, has a health profile of someone 20 years his junior, and found time to write a New York Times Bestseller.

Henry (Harry) Lodge, a middle-aged internist in New York City, is Crowley’s doctor.  Lodge is also board certified in gerontology.  He happens to believe that people can live happy, healthy, active, and fully engaged lives right up to the very end.  He has a practice full of patients that prove his point, to include Crowley who helped put this path to health success into words.

Crowley will tell you what you’re thinking and what to do.  Lodge will tell you why, in biological terms and then encourage you to do it as well.  There is no preaching, arm twisting, or guilt trips and nothing is taken to extremes.  There are seven simple rules – that’s it.  The book provides context, understanding, and encouragement for following the rules, which point the way to physical and emotional health.  The last point is important.  This book is about “all” of you, not just your body.

If you are over 30, you’ll get a lot from this book.  If you’re in your 50’s and 60’s, you’ll really get a lot.  If you’re in your 70’s and 80’s, you, too, will benefit.  If you’re in your 90’s, as is Crowley’s mentor from his days in law, you’ll gain some satisfaction by understanding just how you made it into your tenth decade.

We are off to a fast start in 2008, and wanted to take a minute to recognize some of the accomplishments of our team in 2007:

Kathy Baske Young received the YWCA Women of Achievement Award in Business for the Roanoke Valley in Virginia.

Tim Link completed a Graduate Certificate in Evidence-Based Coaching from the Fielding Graduate School.

Doug Leland published his second book, “Alone in the Allagash,” available through Amazon.com.

Doug Silsbee signed a contract with Jossey-Bass for his second book, “Presence-Based Coaching,” due out in October, 2008.

Marcia Reynolds received her Psy.D in organizational pyschology and her thesis focused on high-achieving women.

DJ Mitsch was named Chair of The Greater Raleigh Chamber of Commerce’s Executive Womens Forum, and will also be facilitating a class in team coaching for Columbia University in 2008.

Barry Mitsch was named an adjunct instructor for North Carolina State’s evening MBA program based in Research Triangle Park.

By Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC

This article is one in a series based on the 2007 study by Marcia Reynolds that focuses on high-achieving women in the workplace under 52 years of age.

My mother grew up in a generation where doors were just opening for women to work their way into respected positions in corporations. Some of them blew these doors open. Others were just able to peek through the doors and see the other side. Yet if they tried to step through, someone reminded them that the world beyond was not a “woman’s world.”

As a result, many women remained in their “place,” as my mother did. Or they blazed trails on their own proving what a woman could do, but because they had little emotional support and mentoring, they secretly worried that they would not be able to live up to expectations.  They often felt like imposters if they did break through, causing researchers to label the Imposter Phenomenon theirs alone in the early 1980s and 1990s.There has been a drastic shift in past two decades around what it takes to become a high-achieving woman.   To understand what these women need, let’s look at what helped to ignite their energy and their confidence.

“I Can Fly” Phenomenon 

High-achieving women under the age of 52 belong to a generation brought up to believe they could do anything they put their minds to. According the survey results of this study, over 60% of the women had at least one person in their lives who told them they could do anything. 

“My stepfather absolutely supported me. He’d say, ‘You’re the smartest girl in the world, you don’t need to hang out with these losers.”  

“Looking back, I had an entire support system that acted as life cheerleaders encouraging me and my dreams. This list includes my mom, dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and friends.”

Outside of the home, as children of the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, these women were raised on the budding self-help movement that spawned the popularity of words such as “empowerment” and “abundance” and where talking about “me” was more than tolerated, it was expected. (Twenge, 2006) Someone, a family member, sports coach or teacher, taught them that they were truly the masters of their destiny and they have the power to create whatever they desire. These women belong to a generation brought up to believe they could do anything they put their minds to.  And, since this generation experienced the proliferation of competitive sports for women, many of them had their self-confidence enhanced by successfully competing in sports in and outside of school.   

Armed with a sturdy self-esteem and a belief that they could contribute to any organization they chose to work for, they found career success early, often from the start. Many of them moved into management positions within the first two years of working. And, although a number of the women interviewed said they loved their self-sufficient single lifestyle, those that were married described their husbands as actively supportive of their careers, not merely tolerant of them. Out of the total population of the study, 95% of the women married or living with someone made more or the same amount of money as their partners. Although this could also mean that some may be carrying the financial lode, this often affords them outside help with the household and often, they share the responsibilities of both motherhood and maintaining the household with their mates.  

As a result, this generation of high achieving women displays extreme self confidence and rarely worries about showing weakness. The only time they are concerned about not meeting a goal is after they accept a project, but even these feelings of overwhelm and doubt are fleeting. They are persistent, figuring out ways to bypass any “no” they are given. They get what they want and deserve, but not out of gratuitous entitlement; they work hard to get the recognition they feel is their right to be given.

Therefore, the results of this study suggest that high-achieving women would benefit from a different type of guidance than they have been offered in the past. For one, the women could use career planning focused on helping them develop a strategic perspective for their advancement so they quit making emotional decisions when choosing to accept or leave a job. Yet most importantly, as they learn how to articulate a purpose they can align their energies to, they would benefit from:

1) having a coach who can help them with sorting out “who” they are as they make important personal transitions, and

2) participating in group coaching with other high-achieving women with similar desires and goals.

These two elements will help these women maximize their potential while enjoying the process.

For more information on coaching programs for high-achieving women, contact DJ or Barry Mitsch at info@pyramidresource.com