The Coaches’ View

By DJ Mitsch

The Universal Law of “Attraction” which is the basis of The Secret,  a NY Times best seller by Rhonda Byrnes, really isn’t a secret and it is foundational for coaches. It is a law of physics – like attracts like – and has been experienced by humans, consciously and unconsciously throughout our history. The thing that makes this “news” is that as we all become more conscious, the idea that we have attracted our circumstances, especially the stresses in our lives, is confronting. It gives us reason to pause and take stock of what exists in our space that we don’t want, and what is missing that we do want. We tend to spend a lot of time focused on the missing parts - - thinking stinking thoughts. That simple focus gives us more of what’s missing - - after all, it is a law of physics.

Marci Shimoff, author and speaker who contributed to the book and movie, The Secret and wrote Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul was our featured speaker for the Raleigh October Chamber luncheon yesterday. Her challenge to each of the 340 participants was take a new action as a result of the time together. Marci was entertaining and her content hit the mark to remind me about the power of my thoughts and intentions. My message from the speech was the importance of visualizing what I want my life to look like.

Like many women, I tend to over commit my time and energy. I love life and I enjoy an abundance of friends, a company of genuine and masterful colleagues, and a host of clients who challenge me to grow and create. I am a mother of two teenagers which is also a full time job as you parents know. And, I am writing two books. So, it easy to feel pulled in a million different directions. Focus is important, but so is variety for me and inclusion of all of these aspects of who I am. This was an important reminder and it is easy to forget to employ the principles of coaching in our own lives and businesses sometimes.

Marci reminded me to focus on – visualize or imagine – what I want to create. So this weekend I am going to cut and paste pictures on a poster board that capture the essence of what I want to experience now. My life is so dynamic, that by the time I write a business plan as I used to do in corporations, it is out of date. So I have a shopping mall model (I have a black belt in shopping, so this works best for me as a visual) complete with anchor tenants (favorite larger clients) and colorful smaller businesses and individuals populating the spaces.

This weekend I am recreating the mall, pasting the pictures and filling in the specifics in a way that is fun, creative and inspiring to me. I am going to write the amount of money I want the company to generate and my personal salary as a result. I am going to write the details of how and who will publish my books and who will read them. I am going to count my amazing blessings. This will be the business plan for 2008. I’ll let you know how it is going - - and what gets included, accomplished and falls away this year, and why. In the meantime, perhaps it is time for you to cut and paste and imagine!

If you want to become irresistibly attractive and need a partner to help you determine how –give us a call! That’s our specialty and the basis for every coaching engagement.

Since I am the chair of the Chamber’s Executive Women’s Series, I also want to invite you to join us on January 16th when we talk about women and their relationship to money with our speaker, Beth Gamel! Come learn to feed your piggy bank, enjoy some yummy food and great connections with the area’s fabulous business women!

Through our recent educational focus, we have learned that there are 12 archetypes at work for any individual. Within those 12, there are 4 that are necessary to our survival that we all share: The Child, the Prostitute, the Saboteur, and the Victim. Sound odd, even controversial? Maybe - until you dig deeper to understand how they can be serving you – or not. For this conversation, let me illustrate how the Victim is at work in our lives.

Like all archetypes, there is a strength and benefit to the victim as well as a shadow side, which, when engaged, drains us of our power.

When your awareness of the victim is properly engaged, you are able to recognize potential situations where you could be victimized, therefore not putting yourself in a place or mindset to allow this to happen. Also through this awareness, you recognize when you might actually be on the path to victimizing someone else for your own personal gain. In these cases, your victim archetype is contributing to a healthy self and healthy relationship with others

But what happens when the shadow side of the victim is allowed to run rampant in one’s life? Do any of these sound familiar?

-Placing blame on others or circumstances.
-Stuck – can’t move forward. Often wallowing in self-pity.
-Feeling more powerless than powerful.
-When around someone who is playing the victim, it can drain your energy too!

What could we possibility be getting out giving in to the shadow side of the victim?

Sympathy, attention, avoidance of responsibility, avoidance of action.

How can we move out of the shadow victim conversation? Take responsibility for all that has happened. Now, you may say that’s really not totally true – and it may not be. But is staying where we are serving us? No. And until we accept responsibility, we cannot take back our power we have given away by passing the blame. It doesn’t really matter who is right or wrong. What matters is we see our own accountability – and in that reclaim the power to make something happen. We are meant to learn how to handle challenges and face our fears!

Bobby is pro golfer and CBS commentator, allowing Marianna a lot of time to observe high performance behaviors!

Anyone watching the end of the 2007 British Open and the interviews afterwards witnessed the ultimate breakdown and victim conversation. As Melanie Hauser, of PGATour.com says “On the day when he could have defined his career, Sergio Garcia fell victim. To Carnoustie Golf Links. To Padraig Harrington. And to himself.”

Consider the following press after Sergio conceded his 3 round lead of the Open to Padraig Harrington:

“Sergio Garcia, who came on the golf scene at the 1999 PGA Championship and threatened to defeat Tiger Woods, has been labeled the future of European golf (not to mention the heir-apparent to Seve Ballesteros and the as-yet-unfulfilled promise of being Woods’ main rival). And through all the tantrums, meltdowns, thrown clubs and spitting spats, Garcia has always seemed to come up short. Rather, it seems Garcia has gladly allowed countryman Miguel Angel Jimenez to carry the flag for Spanish golf while instead he chases skirts in Canada.” Worldgolf.com blog

“Sergio did not handle himself well after he melted………..three separate times he blamed the fields crew that had to rake the traps before he could finish the 18th hole, and said it delayed him for over 15 minutes. That is garbage”. Golfchannel.com

“Every time I get in this position, I never have any room for error,” Garcia said. “I should write a book on how not to miss a shot and not win a playoff. You know what’s the saddest thing about it? It’s not the first time. It’s not the first time, unfortunately,” Garcia said. “I don’t know. I’m playing against a lot of guys out there, more than the field.” Sports.espn.go.com

The shadow side of victim archetype is strongly at play in Sergio’s attitude and comments. As you can see, he is looking to attribute blame outside of himself. The result is giving in to a self-defeating game of blame, which dims the possibility of harnessing discipline and one’s own attitude towards positive action and motivation. He is giving away his own power to take responsibility and make a difference. Can a PGA player win a major without reining in the victim conversation? Probably not – and neither will any of us be playing our own ‘A’ game if we let the shadow victim take control.

The Pyramid Resource Group is expanding its name far and beyond the reach of the Triangle. In light of tomorrow being National Boss Day, Pyramid was featured, in addition to the News & Observer, in the Chicago Sun-Times and the Boston Globe.

Here are the respective links to the articles:

Boston Globe-
http://www.boston.com/business/ticker/2007/10/boss_day.html?p1=MEWell_Pos2 

Chicago Sun-Times-
http://www.suntimes.com/business/casualfriday/599978,CST-FIN-casual12.article

This past sunday the News & Observer featured DJ Mitsch in a story for National Boss Day. The story appeared in the work and money section. Click here to read the article.

Newsweek recently ran an interesting article about 11 women leaders who made it to the top while facing obstacles and their biggest fears. Click here to read more.

 
Check out yesterday’s Career Couch article in The New York Times to read what D.J. Mitsch has to say about helping newcomers find their way in a new job.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/07/jobs/07career.html 

We are continuing our work with Jim Curtan, Spiritual Director for our coaches and our company around the artful language of archetypes. We are doing this to help our clients better understand their personality blueprints and why they habitually act or react to others. It is a lighter approach to having people look at their ego self and know when to employ the right character for the role they need to play, the lead they need to take in their lives or with others! We first introduced the Queen in earlier submissions to the blog. Now we invite you to meet the King.

Everything you NEED to know about the King, but were afraid to ask!

• The King represents sovereign male power and authority – associated with both cruelty and benevolence, as interpreted by Carolyn Myss. We either love them or hate them.
• The King is typically born with this ego/personality, displaying these characteristics early in life, at play, in sports competition, and later at work:
  1. A sense of entitlement
  2. Lifetime need to rule or control (games, environments, communities, companies)
  3. Can be a great leader that others gladly follow, sensing he will care for them and is sensitive to the needs of many.
  4. Impatient with those who seem needy or demanding
  5. Takes charge even if not appointed
  6. Does not like to be challenged unless prepared
• The benevolent or enlightened King is masterful, creating the space for others to truly shine, acknowledging them or challenging them to be great.
• The King is typically not happy bowing to a Queen, and may be paradoxically attracted to and repelled by the Queen’s energy or power. You may see this play out in corporate kingdoms, particularly in meetings where the queen will keep her silence if she feels it threatens the King in charge. Conversely, if the Queen is in charge, you may see the King dismiss her value, often sparring to take control of the conversation if he feels it will serve him. This is a political dance and can be humorous as you gain or maintain perspective about when this part of your personality (or their personality) is at play.
• His reactions may include:
  1. Dismissive when other’s don’t follow his lead
  2. Can have a short fuse or temperament if he is also a competitor or perfectionist
  3. Can become the High Chair Tyrant if his needs are not met by those around him.

Learning to Live or Work with a King?
1. Expect to follow his strong lead, look for the enlightened leader within, the role he plays when he is at his best and then endorse him for what he does well in the leadership role. Remember it is lonely being the King.
2. Be Loyal – the King rewards loyalty
3. Remember to develop your own perspective, realizing the only power anyone has over you is what you give them… so choose carefully whom you follow without question, even the King.
4. If this ruler “Has No Clothes” - - be of service by holding a reflective conversation, mirroring back what you observe in the form of inklings or the impact he has on you and others. Make specific requests for what you want him to discuss or do differently with you.
5. Empower him to share his wisdom and his ideas. Make him your mentor.

Think Charleton Heston as Moses and you have an image of the King archetype, both servant and leader, strength and benevolence.

Stay tuned in. We will introduce you to the “Victim” role we all play soon. This is a critical characteristic or archetype we all share and it shows up daily in our coaching conversations with all of our clients, executives, top talent and the front line.